Monday, June 15, 2009

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things ...

... with sincere apologies to Harry Connick, Jr., and anybody else who ever recorded that song.

It's been a while since any of us posted here. Mostly because we are bitter and jaded on the MMO topic. Or too damn busy with real life. Or, thanks to being raised on a steady diet of MTV, we simply have no attention span. In my case, all of the above.

As of Game Update 10, I have recently rekindled my long-standing on/off relationship with Star Wars Galaxies and, it turns out, such conflict breeds creativity. In short, hate inspires. Lucky you.

When last I wrote, I made reference to my previous career in anti-consulting. Shortly thereafter I received this message from Krib:

Hey, Unagi, I need some advice on a stock. Company gives out free blowjob machines that also make bacon. Think I should invest?

Now, I love cured meat and hummers as much as the next guy, but handing that shit out gratis is a horribly unsustainable business model. So, I was happy to inform Krib that based on my track record he was sitting on a gold mine. Which explains the lack of activity around these parts, because if I was a suddenly nouveau-riche gamer with access to a bacon dispensing oral sex machine I wouldn't hang out here anymore either.

Bacon and blow jobs are two of the coolest things ever. Right up there with Coca Cola, peanut M&Ms, LEGOs and Star Wars. In fact, if I had to pick a top five of the greatest things of all time, I'm not sure which I'd drop. My first inclination would be to scratch the M&Ms, but they are peanuts and chocolate in a tasty candy shell that melts in your mouth and not in your hands - so clearly they must stay on mere grounds of confectionery feature density. I suppose I would just combine LEGOs and Star Wars into a single subclass of Star Wars LEGOs and squeeze them onto the list. My only real concern is what then to do with Teriyaki-flavored beef jerky, but bacon is already representing meat on the list and is a far more versatile food product so I think I'll stick with that.

So then the final list becomes:

  1. Coke
  2. Bacon
  3. Peanut M&Ms
  4. Blow jobs
  5. Star Wars LEGOs

And, finally getting back on topic for this particular site, it occurs to me that - while I am a pretty big fan of MMOs too - lately that has really been more of an infatuation with the theory and concept of the MMO rather than any particular instance of the idea's execution. I think I could make an exception for a LEGO-based MMO.

However, when I got wind this past spring of the upcoming LEGO Universe MMO, I must admit, my first reaction was to recall "Freeman Postulate #1" which states:

Time To Cock - The amount of time it takes a player to use player-created-content tools to create a penis. Measured in microseconds.

In the wake of last summer's Spore debacle, I don't even want to think about how LEGO-based content gets policed. But an online game in which I could design, build and deploy my own Star Wars shit would lead me to cover all my bases and further specify a Star Wars LEGO MMO as the fifth coolest thing in the history of all creation. I think I can commit to that. I can't wait to blast you out of orbit with my giant penis-shaped Mon Cal Cruiser.

Who's got a beta key?

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